Not so fun

My post today is not a fun one but since my blog is sort of my journal, I wanted to post about it. WARNING, it's a little gross and personal so you don't have to read it. On Sunday morning I started miscarrying. At first I kind of hoped I was maybe bleeding just a little and everything would be fine. By Sunday night I was bleeding a lot and having lots of cramping. I didn't sleep well because I was having contractions all night that felt like after-birth pains. Monday I woke up feeling pretty well and wasn't contracting too much and wasn't really bleeding so I decided I felt well enough to go to my two visiting teaching appointments I had scheduled last week. Everything was fine until I had to stand up and then it really started. I bled all over my friends living room carpet and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Mind you that I did have on one of Anna's diapers and that wasn't helping. I got to the bathroom as fast as I could and was in there for 30 minutes trying to clean up. I just kept bleeding and bleeding. All the while Anna was screaming because mommy wasn't with her. I felt so bad. I was truly embarrassed. My sweet friend and visiting teaching companion were so kind about it all. They were so helpful and concerned. Thankfully I was able to make it home, I was looking pretty pale, and feeling a little faint, but I was fine. Anna went down for a nap and I tried to relax a little. Every time I would try to stand up I would start dropping blood out of me. I don't know if you've ever experienced this before. It is worse than just a super-heavy period. I was losing tons of clumps of blood. It is a strange feeling to have something falling out me that I have no control over. This is the third time I've experienced this. The first was when I went into labor with the twins in 2005 and then again in 2006 when I had my first miscarriage. Anyway, I hope you never have to go through it, it's not fun! One time I stood up in the kitchen and blood fell down my pants to the floor. I was too messy to clean up with wipes so I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me and tried to sneak upstairs without Lily seeing me. That didn't work and she was really concerned about my cut because of the blood all over my legs. I told her I had a little owie and that mommy was fine. After I showered I showed her I wasn't bloody and that I was OK. I hope she isn't permanently scarred from that! I am so glad Ammon was at school. He just thinks mommy is sick. Well, after Anna woke up from her nap I was having a hard time taking care of her and trying to clean up after myself and I was bleeding so much I was spending all my time in the bathroom, but didn't even have the strength to keep doing that. I finally called Adam at 1:30 because I felt like I was starting to pass out. Unfortunately I am far too familiar with the sensations that come right before you pass out, fuzzy feeling in my ears, then they start ringing, the room starts looking fuzzy, and then things turn black and your head feels so strange. Thankfully I made it to the floor before my body forced my there. I started feeling better after laying there for a few minutes. Thank goodness to my sweet Lily. She was such a big helper. She got me everything I needed and was helping me with Anna until Adam made it home. Adam is my hero! I am so thankful for him. He kept calling me all day to see how was doing and I kept telling him I was fine. I told him I'd call him if I passed out. But then when I started feeling like I was going to I realized that it was probably a better idea to call him before I passed out! I am so glad he came home. He was a lifesaver. He took care of the kids, me, cleaned the house, and kept everyone happy. He was super busy at work too so I felt bad for calling him to come home, but he said he was happy to help me because I am more important than his work! I love you Adam! While he was on his way home I called my midwife and she gave me some good tips. I put a pinch of nutmeg under my tongue to help my uterus contract so it would pass everything. I was amazed at how quickly and well it worked. Caution, don't use more than a 1/4 tsp or it will drop your blood pressure and cause lots of problems. I am thankful to my midwives who helped me out. I am also glad I didn't have to go to the hospital and have a D&C. Those are not fun and last time I had one I had an allergic reaction to the general anesthesia and I felt like it took me about two months to get back to normal. I was losing so much blood that I was afraid I might have to go and get one. Thankfully my bleeding started to slow down and so I didn't have to go. I am hoping I have passed everything. Time will tell, but I am feeling so much better today. I still feel a little weak and get lightheaded if I am up for too long, but compared to yesterday I feel awesome! Ammon asked me this morning, "Mommy why aren't you crawling anymore? Are you all better?" He is so sweet. Yes, I did crawl a lot yesterday because I could get around that way without feeling like I was going to pass out and no I am not crawling around today! I am sad I lost the baby, but thankfully neither Adam or I have felt like it was real. Both times I have miscarried I have felt like it wasn't right. I am thankful for those feelings because they help ease the emotional pain that comes with a miscarriage. I honestly am doing fine. I got a little sad today because I looked up the size of an 11 1/2 week fetus and was surprised at how much like a baby it already looks. I need to not waste my time thinking about it because it doesn't help. I am just so thankful for my three beautiful healthy children. They are such a joy and bring me so much happiness. I hugged and kissed them a little tighter yesterday and today. Things like this always make me realize how lucky and blessed I already am. I have everything I could ever ask for. Like the song on my blog by Sarah Maclachlan, Ordinary Miracle, "Life is like a gift they say wrapped up for you everyday...It seems so exceptional that things just work out after all, it's just another ordinary miracle today..." I hope I can get pregnant again, but not until I get back to normal. I have a few gaols, to get in better shape and eat healthier too. I know the better I take care of myself the easier my pregnancy will be and the healthier I eat, I think it decreases my chances for a future miscarriage. Hopefully next time everything will work out and I will be able to make a post with good news about a baby, but for now, all is well and I am happy. Oh, everything came out of my friend's carpet and she brought me dinner too! Thanks Kim!