Have Faith

After my last appointment with my midwife, she told me that the radiologist had sent her the results from my ultrasound. He is recommending that I go see a perinatologist for a higher level ultrasound and a possible high-risk pregnancy. The baby has some cystic collections by the choroid plexus, which is at the base of the head, near the brain, and an abnormally echogenic bowel with possible fluid in the bowels. I have done a lot of reading about these two things and had Adam give me a blessing and I have said many prayers. I have decided to have faith in the Lord and whatever His plan may be and I feel tremendous peace. I am so thankful for personal revelation.

As I thought about going to a perinatologist, I felt that it would do me no good. They would do more ultrasounds, stress me out more, want me to do amniocentesis, which I will not do, and in the end, all they could do is tell me what might be wrong, but not fix anything. If our baby has a chromosomal abnormality they can't do anything about it, and I will not choose to terminate my pregnancy on the condition that my baby may have something wrong with him. I am thankful for the miracle of life that is in me and grateful to the Lord for blessing me with this time. I don't know if the peace I feel means that he is whole or not, just that I know I am okay with whatever it may be. Both markers can be an indicator for Trisomy 18 which is fatal. Most babies are stillborn who have it. They usually have several markers though, not just one. I know we have two, but I still feel peace. The echogenic bowel can show up if the baby has swallowed blood, which I spotted a lot between 5 and 8 weeks and thought I was going to miscarry, but thankfully did not. So I am hoping that that is all it is from. Each of the things he has in and of themselves can often clear up on their own by the time the baby is born. I am hoping this will be the case, but if not, my trust is in God and I am relying on the peace He has given me.

When I was pregnant with the twins, Jameson also had an echogenic bowel, but after he was born and they did all his tests, they came back fine. I met with a genetic counselor and saw perinatologists, but it didn't change anything. I feel like my mental well being is extremely important for me during my pregnancy. I feel like it really affects my baby when I am stressed and concerned and I do not want that. Before I knew about the ultrasound results, I was so happy and excited. I felt like someone popped my balloon or took the wind out of my sails after I heard that he had some concerns. It is really an awful feeling. All the joy and excitement turns to stress, tears, and fear of the worst. I have turned those feelings around and am confident that the Lord will continue to strengthen me and bless me no matter what the outcome. Adam and I have turned to Joseph B. Withlin's talk from his last conference, "Come What May and Love It," and also from something said at this April's General Conference, which I don't remember who said it or the exact words, but basically, to not ask why this is happening to me, but to ask what I can learn from it. Both have helped us to feel better about the whole situation. And one last thing that was said, by I think Elder Uchtdorf, "Our future is only as bright as our hope." I have great hope and that coupled with my faith is helping me to be okay.